QT: Don't fall in love with the Male Lead

Chapter 180: Don't choose a bride

Xi Zirui's head snaps up immediately, his eyes taking in Han Yu's rueful smile and tired eyes.

He still looks weak and sickly, but at least he's awake, and alive. Something Xi Zirui should know better than to take for granted.

Han Yu clicks his tongue at him. "What are the tears for? Is Rui-er crying because he knows he's in trouble for enjoying the captured barbarian roleplay too much?"

Xi Zirui chuckles wetly and rubs his eyes with the sleeves of his imperial robes, entirely undignified.

"Are you jealous of yourself again?" Xi Zirui asks, reaching across to comb Han Yu's braids away from his forehead.

Han Yu keeps smiling at him, sweet and indulgent. "I just worry that you like these characters too much, I worry that the real me won't be good enough for you. Whoever that ends up being."

Xi Zirui's hand falters, and his smile slips.

Whoever Han Yu was when they met, he was enough for Xi Zirui to abandon everything he knew, and throw his own life, and the life of several gods, into chaos.

He slides his fingers down Han Yu's face, shoulders and down his arm so that he can lace their fingers together. "You're more than good enough. I love every part of you."

He meets Han Yu's eyes, hoping the sincerity of his words reaches him.

Xi Zirui doesn't think it's a good idea to tell Han Yu that he isn't a god, and that there's even more adversity in their path than they first thought.

But he hopes that Han Yu will always know how much he means to him.

"Are you sure it's not the braids?" Han Yu asks, lightening the mood once he notices the shift in Xi Zirui's expression.

Xi Zirui brings their faces together and kisses Han Yu softly, barely a brush of lips. "You're right, it's definitely the braids, they're irresistible."

Han Yu clicks his tongue. "I knew it, I'm gonna have to keep them," he says, running his free hand over the messy braids on his head.

He does look good with that hairstyle, but then again Xi Zirui seems predisposed to find him appealing in every way.

The light shifts in Han Yu's eyes and his smile drops a fraction. "You know, before I got my memories back, I was being eaten away by the duty to my people and what I was beginning to feel for you."

Xi Zirui nods stiffly. That seems to be a popular motif, cropping up a lot lately, like the repetitive verse in a bawdy song. 

This world's Han Yu was thorn up by his duty and the nascent feelings for his people's greatest enemy.

In the past, did Xi Zirui struggle? Between his duties as a god, and his feelings for Han Yu?

Or was it an easy choice?

Han Yu fixes Xi Zirui with a somber look. "I didn't tell you this before because, obviously I didn't have my memories back, and I just assumed that as Emperor you knew." He shakes his head. "But I know you have no recollection of your life in each world, and I doubt anyone in this court would care about it enough to discuss it with you. The situation is bad on the border. My people are dying."

He shakes his head. "His people. Our-" He sighs deeply. "It's such a mess." He gives Xi Zirui a pleading look. "I feel like they are my people. I have memories of growing up in the open plains, moving camp to wherever the pastures were fresher, drinking yak's milk, traditional songs and dances, taming horses and riding them into the open distance."

His eyes take on a distant quality, as if he's relieving all of this, trying to cling to the memories and decide if he actually lived all those things, or if they were just implanted on him when he was transported to this world.

Independently of his realization, his decision is made. "I can't leave them behind."

Xi Zirui tightens his fingers around Han Yu's hand. "I'll help you, I'll do everything I can, and then I'll leave with you. It's not as if I can stay here."

Han Yu's relief is fleeting. "We have to act fast, any more incursions from Xin's army and we'll be crushed beyond recovery."

Xi Zirui sighs. "We don't have much time anyway. The Empress Dowager wants to marry me off."

Surprisingly, Han Yu smirks. "Over my dead body."

For a moment there, it seemed like it would be. Xi Zirui isn't ready to sing victory yet -- not knowing what he does now.

---

Han Yu is awake, but he isn't recovered yet. It takes a few more days for him to leave the bed, and a few more for him to be strong enough to walk around. 

Xi Zirui stays by his side every day, bringing him food and helping him around the room.

By the time he's recovered enough to leave the room, Xi Zirui has to attend the small, private banquet the Empress Dowager has organized to introduce some noble ladies as potential concubines, consorts, and perhaps even the future Empress. 

He has no doubt she already has the perfect candidate for each position.

"If didn't have good memories of her as my loving grandma I would be particularly cross about this," Han Yu says, while Xi Zirui helps him get ready for the banquet. He's dressed in typical Xin robes, but his hair still retains the braids and beads of his people, he's also wearing the silver necklaces and rings he arrived with before being detained. 

Xi Zirui is dressed in some of his most lavish imperial robes, as per the Empress Dowager's instructions. It's almost as if he's a troublesome princess who the imperial family needs to talk some noble family into accepting, despite the obvious advantages to them.

It's Bai Mi who enlightens him about the Empress Dowager's fastidiousness, as they're making their way to the banquet:

"Younger brother's reputation precedes him," Bai Mi says, and casts a look at Han Yu trailing a few paces behind them. "Most families fear that marrying their daughters to younger brother, will mean that they'll have to endure a lonely life in the cold palace(1)."

"Certainly some of them are so greedy they wouldn't care either way." Xi Zirui says, dreading the incoming banquet with each step.

Bai Mi levels him with a searching look. "Her Imperial Highness would never consider a daughter who isn't beloved by her parents good enough for his Majesty."

Right.

They come to a stop in front of the great hall's doors and Xi Zirui waits with trepidation for the eunuch to announce their presence.

Somehow, he's dreading this more than he has anything else in this world.

--

The Empress Dowager's face falls as soon as she sees Han Yu being lead inside by the leash clasped between Xi Zirui's fingers.

Perhaps she thought Xi Zirui wouldn't bring him on account of the occasion. She thought wrong.

Xi Zirui expects to hear Ni Ni's chime warning him that her favor has dropped but it never comes.

He walks towards the dais, nodding his head politely as he walks by the lovely young women prostrating themselves next to their individual low tables below him.

Xi Zirui takes his seat behind the table prepared for him, Bai Mi seated on the table at his side, as a sort of chaperone and another female presence meant to put the guests at ease -- as it's unlikely that the Empress Dowager, sitting behind her beaded curtain, does.

"This Emperor thanks all the young ladies for graciously joining him on this occasion," gesturing towards the food in front of them, he adds, "please enjoy the meal."

He himself, doesn't expect to enjoy anything. He's overly conscious of Han Yu's presence behind him, forced to stand still and go hungry while everyone eats, and of Bai Mi's sullenly picking at her food. The tension between the three of them is almost palpable.

None of the invited noble young ladies look like they're having any more fun. Casting his eyes towards them, marveling at how following the latest fashions of the capital makes them all resemble each other, Xi Zirui's gaze lingers on an empty table and pillow in the middle of the second row.

One of the girls sitting next to the empty table notices the weight of his gaze, and bows towards him. "Apologies, his Majesty, young miss Li still hasn't joined us," she says sounding more upset about being seated next to her empty seat than due to her absence.

The Empress Dowager speaks for the first time since Xi Zirui entered the hall. "Go see if everything is alright with young miss Li," she instructs the servant standing next to her.

Xi Zirui exchanges a look with Bai Mi. Their plan is underway, and both of them as well as Han Yu, and Ji Limei, sitting demurely behind Bai Mi, are in plain view of the Empress Dowager. 

The servant returns moments later, looking harried and several shades paler.

"This servant regrets to inform her Imperial Highness that young miss Li isn't in her rooms. No one is able to locate her."

---

(1) the "cold palace" is either a metaphorical or real place where concubines, princes and princess who fell out of favor with the Emperor would be sent to if it wasn't possible to kick them out of the imperial palace for good.